Is it Casual Now?
Reflections on the rise of 'Casual' and how to (ethically) traverse the landscape
“Oh, it’s just casual,” falls out of the mouths of millennials everywhere. Maybe it’s always been like this, or maybe we’re just more honest about it now. But I can’t help but wonder if something else is at play, quietly fueling the rise of casual dating.
The Rise of Casual
Spend five minutes talking to anyone actively dating, and you’ll hear the exasperation in their voice. The third-date drop off. The twenty-seven message threads that decay in the app before ever reaching real life. The person who says they don’t know what they want; they’d just love to see where it goes.
People seem more wishy-washy than ever. Indecisive. Content to float in the middle, never choosing a direction.
We can’t deny the cultural influence of dating apps. We love to hate them, yet data suggests that 27% of couples meet on dating apps. Even if we opt out of dating apps, they still have a meta-effect on the culture at large.
Dating apps might encourage too much discernment. And more importantly, the paradox of choice. When we’re led to believe (by an algorithm, no less) that someone more desirable (insert: more aligned, emotionally mature, attractive, successful, etc) is just a swipe away, why would we invest the time, energy, and emotional resources in getting to know the person in front of us? It’s not an individual weakness — it’s psychology.
Amanda Brown unpacks this in her Substack, Love: The New Hot Commodity:
The transactional nature of dating apps also undermines emotional vulnerability. Meaningful relationships require time, patience, and exposure to another person’s flaws — qualities that don’t thrive in a culture obsessed with instant gratification. When people treat dating like shopping, they inadvertently prioritize surface-level traits over deeper compatibility. The important qualities that make someone your most compatible partner are often overlooked because they can’t be skimmed or quickly assessed.
But it’s not only the dating apps.
Casual dating/relationships are on the rise, completely independent of the dating scene. Fewer people are getting married/seeing marriage as an essential milestone (38% of adults are unpartnered as compared to 28% in 1990). Long-term monogamy is no longer the default destination.
As a culture, we’re less trapped in the dichotomy of single vs. partnered, choosing instead to color outside the heteronormative lines and question if our priorities really include a long-term partnership, or whether that’s just the narrative we’ve grown up with.
Note: The remainder of this piece will be dedicated to the impacts of misaligned casual relationships & how to communicate about casual intentions. This isn’t, in any way, intended to push anyone toward monogamy.
A Confused Nervous System
Despite the rise of casual dating culture, our nervous system doesn’t actually speak the language of “Oh, it’s just casual.”
Because intimacy without a label is still intimacy. Our nervous systems evolved to interpret behavior & patterns, not intentions. Our mind can say it’s casual all we want, but our bodies won’t get the message.
When we share our Sunday mornings, our hang-ups with family, our tiny funny moments, our daydreams and fears, our physical bodies and our deepest insecurities — I don’t care how “casual” they say it is, your nervous system will respond.
The song they sent. The sweater you borrowed. The dinner they made for you. These are the subtle, everyday building blocks of intimacy. It’s not “I love you,” but every single gesture says, “I care. I’m here.”
While it would be so much more convenient if our emotions could fit into the confines of whatever we’ve labeled something, if the attachment triggers are there, our emotional system will fire. So no, your body isn’t confused. No, nothing wrong with you. No, you’re not dramatic for feeling something.
You’re just human.
In Defense of the (Ethical) Casual Encounter
There’s a huge caveat here: Casual dating is not inherently bad.
There’s nothing innately harmful about a respectful, casual relationship. In fact, sometimes it’s all we have or want to offer.
Maybe we aren’t ready — still reeling from our past relationship. Maybe we just don’t want a relationship at all, but still want companionship and physical intimacy. Maybe we’re focusing on our career, our children, or healing past wounds. There could be a hundred other reasons we might want to date casually, and the reason honestly isn’t important. We are entitled to define our relational needs.
Casual dating has a terrible reputation, but it’s not the concept itself that’s damaging; it's how we navigate the dynamic. The ethical part of this equation is being crystal clear about our intentions.
Upfront Intentions: This isn’t “Let’s just see where it goes” or “I’m not really looking for anything serious right now.” Clear intentions should not leave room for interpretation. It could sound something like this:
“I’m not looking for a serious, committed partnership right now. While I know things change, I don’t see that changing in the near future. If you’re open to a casual relationship, I’d love to continue spending time together. If not, I understand. Also, we can keep checking in as we spend time together to make sure that this is still feeling good for both of us.”
While intentions feel self-explanatory, their importance can’t be understated. It’s hard to be honest. It can be hurtful. It can take away the possibility of the closeness we’re craving, but lack of clarity begets wounding. Tread lightly.
Also, it’s equally important to communicate how we define a casual relationship. Are we looking for just physical intimacy and companionship? Physical and emotional intimacy? Or something in-between? And does that align with the other person’s definition? Again, if the emotional triggers are there, our attachment system will fire, so if we do want emotional intimacy, what boundaries are we setting to minimize hurt?
If we slap “casual” across a relationship without clarifying what that actually means, we risk blurring the lines. We open up a chasm for misunderstanding and a fast track toward hurting someone (maybe that someone is also ourselves).
Evolving Emotions: And of course, things do change. Sometimes we fall in love unexpectedly, like June rain. Sometimes our healing catches up to us. Sometimes intimacy melts our boundaries like butter.
But more often than not, we don’t. More often than not, one person clings to the possibility of something more, losing themselves along the way, especially when the door is left accidentally ajar.
And because things can (and do) evolve, a single conversation is rarely enough. Sometimes things shift for both people, and sometimes only for one. As the relationship ebbs and flows, we need to keep checking in. Is this still okay? Does this still feel good for both of us? Do we need to make any adjustments?
Casual as a Pathway for Self-Exploration
Maybe you’ve tried a casual relationship. Maybe you haven’t. Maybe you never want to — to each their own. But collectively, can we reframe the casual relationship and acknowledge that, when done ethically, it can actually be a vehicle for self-exploration?
A casual relationship can carve out space for healing, without sacrificing companionship. It can give us a space to practice advocating for our needs or communicating our boundaries. In some cases, it can show us parts of ourselves that we didn’t even know were there.
If you’re curious about an (ethical) casual relationship, here are a few questions to reflect on:
What about a casual relationship appeals to me at this point in my life? Do I actually want a casual relationship, or am I worried about losing this person for good?
Am I curious about what it would feel like to explore casual intimacy (physical and emotional), or am I falling into an old pattern of people-pleasing, codependency, fawning, etc.?
Am I genuinely okay with this never moving beyond casual? Or is there a small part of me that hopes that will change over time?
Can I be in frequent conversation with myself as the relationship evolves? Can I notice the sticking points? The instance your stomach dropped unexpectedly, the subtle pulling away, or simply the ongoing feeling that this feels really good right now, for both of you.
Casual doesn’t have to mean not meaningful. A casual relationship can create ripples — stretching, changing, and challenging how we think about relationships, and in turn, ourselves.
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xx Amy
Great article! In addition to understanding what your body is signaling and what your heart desires, it is important to understand the other person's communication and patterns as well; if they don't know how to communicate or don't have the same level of emotional understanding as you, the likelihood of you ending up in a toxic situationship is immense. Paying attention to this, seeing your real needs, and setting your boundaries in advance is valid for protecting yourself above all else.
“When we share our Sunday mornings, our hang-ups with family, our tiny funny moments, our daydreams and fears, our physical bodies and our deepest insecurities — I don’t care how “casual” they say it is, your nervous system will respond.” yehhhhhh !